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The Smartphone That Almost Wasn't
Used by permission from OpenClipart-Vectors via Pixabay
15 Years Ago, History Was Made
The Apple iPhone. You know it and love it. Unless you are an Android-lover, in which case you probably also like doing laundry, licking boots, voting Kermit The Frog for President, and are secretly praying for an Mmmbop reunion tour.
All 2 Android users just unsubscribed.
15 years ago Earth was introduced to it for the first time. iPhone. Revolutionary. Magical. Like any Mac product, financially attainable once you have sensibly chosen to forego food and heat for three weeks. But oh...so...magical. If memory serves, I was going to buy the ring and propose to my wife in September of 2010...but doggonit, a new iPhone was coming out.
Love can wait.
With iPhone came portable music. Streaming videos. The App Store. Angry Birds. Flappy Bird. Other Birds. Audubon Bird Guide. Flip The Birdie. I promise this is not last week's blog about birds. iMessage. Siri. Navigation. Jesus probably even had one. Steve Jobs billed iPhone as "A widescreen iPod with touch controls. A revolutionary mobile phone. And a breakthrough Internet communications device." The extended Marvel cut of Jobs' presentation also states a fourth sensational draw in that it can prevent the IRS from finding you if you keep it in the freezer. This is why we always buy iPhones and freezers.
Now, now, Androiders, please do not pop your cerebral gasket. I am well aware that some things were done by Android first, and that you hold the franchise on things like navigation. Swipe keyboards. Customization. Expandable storage. Exploding phones.
iPhone has become Americana. It has become indispensable to our daily lives. When we leave the house, we hear our friends, family members, or significant others call out, “Got your keys? Got your wallet? Got your iPhone?” And in 2020, we added “Got your mask?” In 2022 I am told legislation is on board to add “Got your dinglehopper?”
Smoke & Mirrors
Used by permission from StockSnap via Pixabay
If you have never heard the story, I am about to regale you. By "story" I mean "scandal." By "scandal" I mean "lies and deceit." By "lies and deceit" I mean "A Manner of Skillfully Relaying Details So As To Make Me Buy It Because I Did." If you have never seen Steve Jobs’ iPhone 1 keynote, watch it below. It is impressive, like Dolly Parton.
Oh I bought the original iPhone: hook, line and sinker, and have been hook, line and sinkered ever since. Shut up and take my money, Apple. iPhone has truly revolutionized my life, and it is my greatest possession. I mean my wedding ring is. My wedding ring. My WEDDING RING, honey. Phew! But I mean it. I have THE best relationship with my iPhone. I mean my wife.
To my knowledge, I have never missed a purchase on a new iPhone release. Whatever your smartphone preference, these fancy new contraptions have rocked our world and allowed us to carry the very Internet in our very pocket. As a result, we all wear much larger pants because, shoot! All that bitcoin (there are bits everywhere!), pornography (there is more than enough for everyone!) and cat videos (are there really this many cats living today???) really eat up space!
Welcome back after clicking that porn link. We know who you are. Just stay put; the authorities are on their way over.
But if you have not heard the story, Steve Jobs’ presentation was on the verge of collapse for nearly the entire 90 minutes he was on stage.
The original first-gen iPhone was fickle. Crash-prone. Unstable. In order for Steve to make a perfect, “winning” presentation, he needed to follow a set course of action and a so-called “golden path” in order to avoid a crash. He could check email and then visit a website in Safari, but if he did those two steps in reverse, millions of innocent children would be vaporized in an instant, leaving all adults everywhere to figure out how in the world to stop Baby Shark from playing.
I jest. The truth is that the original iPhone would simply crash if he proceeded in reverse. He needed to follow an exact path or risk the presentation becoming a laughingstock: something people would justifiably ridicule, like Goldendoodles. It was all smoke and mirrors and well-played wizardry to conceal some very serious operational flaws. In the end, mercifully, he made it through. And eventually all the bugs were exterminated prior to the June 2007 release, or God forbid we might actually have to engage with other humans on a bus. We might even still be on Motorola RAZRs. (You know you had one.)
As the story goes, the engineers behind the iPhone were so nervous that they were drinking shots after each demo segment that Jobs miraculously pulled off. Then they spent the rest of the day drinking. This is why I repeatedly apply for work at Apple in the engineering department. You should too, so that we can all sing "Wagon Wheel" until 3am.
So there you have it! Other long lines have followed suit and grown much longer since its release:
- the Samsung Galaxy line
- the Huawei line
- the HTC line
- the Google Pixel line
- the Unemployment line
We are now presented with more fully functional smartphone options per year than Queen Amidala has wardrobe changes in The Phantom Menace, which, along with Carrot Top, is a thing I like to pretend does not exist. But the iPhone started it all. It was The First, and it ushered in a whole new mobile-friendly, glorious and beautiful era of bitcoin, cat videos, and porn.
It was not universally supported at first, however! Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer initially poo-poo'd it. Blackberry CEO Jim Balsillie said "We'll be fine." Neither company mass-produces phones anymore, and both CEO's can be found as quality burger-flippers at your local McDonald's. As of 2017, Google now de-indexes sites that are not mobile friendly. 54.4% of all web traffic came from mobile devices in the fourth quarter of 2021. The iPhone truly revolutionized the phone…but it did not stop there. It truly revolutionized life.
I even part my hair on the left now.
What’s Your Golden Path To Avoid A Crash?
Used by permission from Firmbee via Pixabay
As the new year continues to tick off days, we all collectively continue to progress through resolutions made or desired. I have not begun my exercise regimen yet, but that is only because I have recently entered the Fitness Protection Program, whereby I am protected from the guilt of not exercising. I will eventually start on the date that I have set, I promise. As of right now, my date is off the calendar. And this time, I’ll keep it off.
In voiceovers, do you have a preferred smartphone? How has it helped you in business?
More importantly, are you innovative? What magic do you employ to succeed? Do you have a golden path to avoid a crash? For me, I have my Goals Worksheet. It is efficient, it is comprehensive, it keeps me on the straight and narrow, and allows me to make sure that I am maintaining forward momentum every week through marketing, blogging (check!) auditioning, and sales.
And here is a bonus: for all talent who leave a comment at this blog below, I will send it to you for free. Is it a wonder drug? A miracle cure? An end-all-be-all?
It is not Publisher’s Clearing House winnings, Viagra, or even the glorious news that Michael Bolton will never be permitted on radio stations ever again. It is simply how I track my goals and avoid crashing.
Join me on this road, will you? Together, we can chart a viable course and go in whatever direction we would like, and not crash. Let us plot our golden path together. Hop on in while I pop in Darius Rucker (who uses an iPhone, like Jesus).
Hey, Mama rock me...
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