Pandemics and Wars and Droughts Oh My!

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It…And I Feel Fine.

Stay On Target…Stay On Target…

Gary Jules had it right: It is truly a mad, mad world out there.  I also think people had it right when they labeled this not 2022, but "2020-Too."  Jesus should be returning at any moment.  Either that or we will be rained down upon from the heavens with either:

• Fiery Monster SharkLocusts
• Manslaughter GrizzlyGators, or
• Hellfire WhaleSnakes wreaking destruction the likes of which this world has never seen except for in Michael Bay movies.

This has been a delightful year so far: one for the record books in terms of world peace and harmony:

• Over 250 mass shootings.
• Russia invaded Ukraine.
• Extreme drought.
• Ray Liotta and Gilbert Gottfried died.
• The pandemic has mated with Pure Evil, and produced subpandemics with variants having sex with other variants and producing subvariants who I am told double as telemarketers: the thought being that if they do not get you in your body, they will get you at dinnertime.

Aside from that, celebrities are getting slapped on stage, and we just had a lovely 6.1 earthquake in Afghanistan.  With any luck, Caitlyn Jenner will be elected President before the year is out, at which point my family will decide to just go live on the Sun, because it will be less hot and bat$hit crazy there.  Sorry about the profanity; I usually try to avoid that in this blog, but this time I was powerless to resist.  Also I am talking about Jesus in this blog too, so it only makes sense that I balance things out with a little foul-mouthery.  If this bothers you, I invite you to opt for the Latin alternative: Chiroptera Cacas Insanis.

And finally, to top it all off, scientists are now concerned about a new public health threat after a man contracted "Super Gonorrhea", which I am told is gonorrhea with a cape.  I think we need this problem, because gonorrhea by itself is the stuff of boredom.

Through all of this, I, a Voice Talent like you, am simply trying to fly down this gauntlet towards the goal of destroying the Death Star Which Causes Voiceover Oblivion, being chased and shot at by Darth Vade- er, Monster SharkLocusts.

I must survive this gauntlet if I am to provide for my family.

Sign of the Times

Maybe Jesus really is returning soon.  If so I would like to be the one who announces his descent please.  Perhaps this will be the one voiceover affair where I actually am called upon to use my announcer voice.  “No, no, no!” the Casting Director will say.  “Less conversational!  More booming and inauthentic please.  Perhaps a degree of unattainability too, if you can muster it.  Aaaaaaaaand….one more for eternal safety please.”

The earthquake in Afghanistan last Wednesday is just one more example of the fact that this little rock in space is fragile, and we who live upon it are equally fragile.  Over 1000 people dead.  300 wounded.  6.1 on the Richter scale.  That, dear reader, is a powerful quake: even more powerful than the rupture my 3-year-old just produced during his recent nasal swab Covid test.  You have not lived until your neighbors hear the screams and come running over to ensure you have not inserted a Q-Tip through your toddler's brain.

I sometimes do not know what to make of this world, and it can get downright frustrating looking around and seeing all the mayhem, while trying to remain calm.  I have auditions and projects to voice, and these travesties and Armageddon-like events fray my nerves and can leave me on pins and needles wondering what will come next.  Thankfully Asteroid 2022 mercifully just passed us by - a safe 1,267,536 kilometers away - on June 13th before continuing its orbit back towards Mars.  With any luck, it won’t get bumped by Asteroid 1989 JA, which is a paltry 1.1 miles long, and be sent hurtling back towards Washington state.  Or, you know, all of them will come at us at once because the Alien Asteroid pilots have done their research and they have determined conclusively that Planet Earth is where the Amway scourge originated, and so its probably best to just wipe us out.

With any luck, the asteroid won't come preloaded with Super Gonorrhea.

How to Survive Without Moving To The Sun

How do we make it through all of this and not become drooling vegetables?  Well, first of all, pray about it.  Seriously.  No really.  Stop looking at me crazy, please.  Oh, you always look that way.  I get it.  But no - it truly is time to pray for calm and peace.  And after you've said your Amen's, here is how to survive.

I humbly present my Top Ten Tips To Triumph Though Tribulation!

Tip Number One

Keep on focusing on your goals. There is no reason to believe that the recently discovered sunspot that is currently aimed precisely at your house is going to produce a solar flare that will actually hit your studio, as long as you wrap your entire house in aluminum foil.

Tip Number Two

Now would be a perfect time to stock up on toilet paper since inarguably the next pandemic is right around the corner, and you do not want to be caught with your pants down. Unless of course your pants are currently down, and you are on the toilet, and you are in need of toilet paper.  In which case now would be a perfect time to stock up.

Tip Number Three

Also stock up on gas, since by this weekend the price should be a comfortable $72.59 per gallon. Due to the current inflation, you may wish to hit that before it reaches the $100 mark.

Tip Number Four

Take the time to get yourself ordained online as a priest at The Church of Dude for only $35. When tribulation strikes, you will not only get to do voiceovers…but also Last Rites too for when the asteroid hits.  If only more people knew!

Tip Number Five

Do your research on defensible caves that you can move your family to, and that you can acoustically treat to provide voiceovers in.  Do this well before the zombies come.

Tip Number Six

Continue to market to your prospective voiceover clients. Make sure to use calming introductory ice breakers in your emails, like this: “Though I am aware that the Apocalypse commences this coming Tuesday, I would very much appreciate it if you would hire me to perform your voiceovers until then.” Have a courteous reply at the ready for when you are cordially greeted with profanity.  Bonus points if you swear back and slam the phone down.

Tip Number Seven

Try not to spend so much money at Sweetwater, and try to save a little instead? *insert raucous laughter of incredulity here*

Tip Number Eight

Make sure to submit all of your demos to the National Archives in the event that when underground scientists discover the secret harmonics that will eventually melt the ears off of our Alien Invaders, they will be able to play your Nissan spot and instantaneously fry the mother ship’s CPU from their hidden bunker in Nevada.  Thank you Lord for life-saving car spots!

Tip Number Nine

Water! It’s underrated. Drink lots of it, buy it, hoard it, boil it for sanitary purposes, bathe in it, clean with it.  Oh!  I hear it is also good for keeping the larynx moist.  Also I included this tip because I needed a place to use the word “moist”, which is one of my favorite words, right up there with “nougat.”

Tip Number Ten

Do not fret! I mean it!  Jesus will return shortly.  Because of this, I highly recommend becoming a Christian so that you can point and laugh at the earth-bound zombies as you slowly ascend into the sky with Our Lord, on your way to the Sun.  Just watch out for the Hellfire WhaleSnakes on your way up, as we already lost Jimmy.

There!  Now you should be just fine.  When you get to The Sun, look me up.  You can find us at:

123 Burning Street,

OhMyLordItsHot Plantation,

PassTheLotionville, Sun.

Seriously, do not panic.  After all, I think even REM had it right too: it's the end of the world as we know it.  And I feel fine.

Used by permission from TheDigitalArtist via Pixabay.

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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
josh@supervoiceover.com
206.672.6200 / 360.339.1900