Life Lessons From An Almost Old Guy

One Year Older and Just BRIMMING with Wisdom

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One Final Year of Youth

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I just turned 49 years old this past Wednesday.  Turning 49 is a big thing in one’s life.  You see, forty-nine is a large number that, once obtained, signifies that you are nine years older than over the hill, 1 year shy of geriatric.  This is the age where things inexplicably stop working on you, and you will probably die soon from incorrectly breathing air.

When I die on August 4th 2073 (don’t ask; I just know) I hope it is in a way that will make people say “Kerschpilliginoink.”  The reason for that is because kerschpilliginoink is a word that in my ways, and in diverse forms, comes to mean absolutely nothing at all.  And that is precisely the point.  I want people to be absolutely speechless at my departure.

Whether it is from old age, heart attack, being eaten by wolves, choking on oxygen, or chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane, this old guy wants to go out in style.

I am aware that they say 40 is over the hill.  But I disagree.  And the reason why I disagree is because I feel like right around 40 is when I only finally started really living.  Heck, I got married at 38.  This is largely because I put it off; I knew that once I got married I would have to watch silly movies like Music and Lyrics, and conduct irrational activities like be forced to share my popcorn.

So bring on 50, because that is actually my mid-point, my “hill.”  We all know 50 is the new 40, just like lying around watching CNN is the new Friday night kegger.

And if that does not quite make sense to you, then I have only one thing left to say to you:

Kerschpilliginoink.

 

Ease On Down, Ease On Down The Road

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Being very nearly incredibly old and wrinkly, it thus falls to me to share with you some of my life lessons.  But where does one learn life lessons?  Why, life of course!  Jeez.  You really need to keep up.  You kids and your loud music.  Why, it is nearly impossible to go through life and not learn lessons, unless you are a career telemarketer, where it is evident that you have clearly not learned that no human will ever like you even a little bit.

But before I share with you some of the intriguing lessons I have learned, let me share with you just a smidgen of what I have been able to accomplish in my life:

  • I placed 7th in the nation in a Bible Quiz competition quoting the Gospel of John when I was in 8th grade.  I was able to memorize 832 of the 879 verses because I had no girlfriend.
  • When I was 17, I was impaled by a sea urchin in Mexico and nearly drowned.  The sea urchin did not apologize, and I made $6.50 from this stunt, which I highly recommend if you have a death wish.
  • I have written five books.
  • I have authored over 250 blogs.
  • I successfully created two small humans with my wife.  I cannot even change the oil in my car, but I was somehow able to create living, breathing beings.
  • I have produced nine musical CD’s, toured with my band, received radio airplay and interviews.
  • I once was nearly eaten by a dog on the playground of my elementary school. I have since suspected that he was in cahoots with sea urchins.  I am told I was delicious.
  • Along with my cousin, I once watched an entire marathon of the TV show “24”, for 24 straight 1-hour episodes, in 18 hours.
  • Between 2003 and 2007, I had 14 different jobs.  If memory serves, they told me to "up my performance."  And if memory serves, I replied defiantly, "I DID up my performance; up yours."
  • I got married when I was 38 years old, roughly a whole generation later than many young people.  I think this was because I was re-memorizing the Gospel of John.
  • I was once so broke that I was regularly obtaining payday loans from Payday Loans, in order to pay for payday loans from Checks Cashed, in order to pay for payday loans from MoneyTree
  • In elementary school, I tried to woo a girlfriend by showing her how many Sloppy Joe’s I could eat.  Me elementary warrior.  Me eat Joes and woo girl.  *brandishes club*  Me not know what brandishes mean.
  • I am a fraternal twin, and my twin was born with Spina Bifida.
  • When my second son was born, my voice - frequently cast to encourage and affirm - was rendered completely ineffective.
  • I once delivered a paper route of 149 customers spread over 5 miles, in 39 minutes.  This was that one day I drank 327 cans of Coke.
  • I was nearly killed by the Craigslist killers of Pierce County in 2010 when I was selling a TV and felt something was “off” in communications with them when trying to arrange a meeting. I am not kidding. A policeman contacted me afterwards and verified that the party interested in my TV were in fact the ones linked to a series of home invasion robberies and murders
  • I became debt free for five minutes in 2020.
  • I used to speak conversational Italian.
  • Mt. St. Helens blew up on my 7th birthday.
  • Mt. St. Helens has subsequently ignored all of my other birthdays.

These are my claims to fame, or at least, to some of the things that I have experienced.  Not all of them are reputable, but they are darn entertaining.  To me, at least.

 

What Have You Learned, Dorothy?

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And now, as promised, here are some of the things that I have learned in my 49 years:

  • I learned in the course of my high school algebra class that I can actually sleep with my eyes open.
  • I have learned that the most important quality to possess is gratitude
  • I have learned that it’s not enough to listen; you have to hear
  • I have learned that it’s never too late for a successful career change, such as from wedding videography (which is Pakistani for soul-sucking and mind-numbing self-flagellation) to full-time voiceovers in 2016
  • I have learned that birthday cakes with Transformers and Minions on them are perfectly acceptable at age 49.
  • I have learned that everything I have been given is a gift
  • I have learned that my boys are growing up too fast.  My wife and I are now realizing this is because we give them food.
  • I have learned that it is more blessed to give than to receive
  • I have learned that people can be incredibly brazen and cruel in their private dealings, and yet masquerade as convincingly righteous and honorable in the public eye. As result, I have learned that I have become more cynical by nature.
  • I have learned to not take anything for granted
  • I have learned that if you have small children, you no longer poop alone.  #truestory
  • I have learned that untethering is the key to calm.
  • I have learned that I can indeed take a break.
  • I have learned that it’s OK to be real, transparent, and vulnerable.
  • I have learned that I am, even at 49 years old, incredibly self-conscious.
  • I have learned that sea urchins do not ever apologize.
  • I have learned that I was destined to be married to my beautiful bride.
  • I have learned that there is truly no better dinner than Costco’s 10lbs of king crab.

And finally, I have learned that life sometimes leaves me completely Kerschpilliginoink.

How about you?

Sincerely,

Almost Old Guy

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(PS, I really should run these pictures through FaceApp and see what I look like OLD!)

 

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YouDidIt

YOU HAVE MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END, AND I SALUTE YOU.

  • Like this blog?  My children are counting on you to put bread on our table through the purchase of one of my books.  Do it for the children.
  • If you would prefer not to purchase one of my books but instead hurl large wads of cash at me, please know that I do not refuse such cash gifts if it means I can pretend I am a church
  • Check out my whole UNIVERSE of blogs right HERE!
  • This is a fourth bullet point.

 

AND HEY!  WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!

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  • E-NCOURAGE: Go encourage someone else today with a single, simple sentence of affirmation.  Tell them, “I like your earrings”, unless of course they are manly men, in which case you should compliment them on the size of their chainsaw.
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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
josh@supervoiceover.com
206.672.6200

 

14 thoughts on “Life Lessons From An Almost Old Guy”

  1. Ah! Thank you for endowing me with such awe-inspiring wisdom! And how generous, as it was only brimming and not yet overflowing. You are a stand-up guy Mr. Alexander. And might I add, those photos are working for you. You don’t look a day over 70! You should probably revamp your website with them.

    Here are a few of my takeaways:
    – Your use of “smidgen” did not go unnoticed
    – This is my first time hearing about your Craigslist scare and I, for one, am grateful for your narrow escape from legitimate real-life horror movie content
    – Mt. St. Helens and sea urchins are jerks
    – I couldn’t agree more that gratitude is one of, if not the, most important characteristic one can foster
    – I now know my first Pakistani phrase
    – I’m thrilled to know my overpowering nerdishness will be acceptable to be reflected upon birthday confections for at least another 19 years.

    All that said, Kerschpilliginoink!

    P.S. I just answered the WC Captcha math problem incorrectly and I am more than a little embarrassed.

    1. Thank you for the hearty guffaw! I love the bullet points. If I was looking for conclusive proof that you in fact read the blog, I believe I have found it, good sir! Thanks Tyler. And thanks for the kind email exchange this morning as well. 🙂

  2. I congratulate you on another thrilling adventure ride on the Josh Alexander express. Congratulations on reaching the age of 49. You have a lot to look forward to next year when you hit 50. It’s all downhill from there! That’s a good thing, right?

    1. Uh, if I’m on a bike and there is a massive pool of jello at the bottom…maybe then. Otherwise, it’s going to be Bandaid central, because I am in no way gracious and in no way coordinated!

  3. I love the last picture. Evrytime I look at it I hear you say “get off my lawn!”. Hilarious. Yep, just looked again and the same thing happened.
    Thanks for brightening up my Monday Josh. And who says we have to share our popcorn?

  4. Being only 33, this post is extremely relatable! My mom once remarked that with all we’ve been through I’m an old man in a young man’s body – to which I have to quote you – almost old! hehe.

    Seriously though, the latter list was my fav – you can take a break, have a fun cake and just be real with people. For example, not shy about telling people that I absolutely LOVE math, but kinda suck at it, LOL. I also love singing, despite the fact that I don’t believe it’s what the LORD really wants me to do ultimately. Which, kinda explains why I didn’t get into the top26 of a recent singing competition [strokes beard in contemplation face mode], lol.
    Those daan keeds, hehe.

    Funny story. I walk with my dad’s grandad’s cain – talk about an heirloom! And I have the beard, so if I combine the two, you get a really “you kids get off my lawn” kinda look, HAHA!

    I’m glad your birthday was awesome and that you don’t feel old. Age really is just a nr – just look at Moses and co!

    May your hill be ever unreachable and uncrossable – forever almost old! hehe.

    1. 33…..oh man…33….I remember those days. It won’t be long before I’m Three HUNDRED and 33….I will keep you posted as to my status then, and I’m confident I’ll have more life lessons for you. Thank you for the hill blessing, right back atcha!

  5. I once interviewed someone about what it’s like to grow older. He said to me:

    “Honestly, I still feel like I’m seventeen. I’m just more tired.”

    Thank you for sharing yourself with us, Josh, as well as your life lessons. The question remains: How do you measure a year? To quote Jonathan Larson:

    In daylights?
    In sunsets?
    In midnights?
    In cups of coffee?
    In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife?

    In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.
    How do you measure a year in a life?

    How about love?
    How about love?
    How about love?
    Measure in love…

    1. That’s a truly great and profound quote! I measure a year logically, with 365 days. I measure a year emotionally by how well we’re doing as a family, and how well my wife and sons are doing. I measure a year spiritually by how much I have grown in my relationship with Christ. (If at all…ha! The profanity is only because of bad highway drivers, I assure you…) I measure a year relationally by the richness of my friendships. And I measure a year progressively by how much more successful I am in my career and my pursuits. Ultimately, however, each day and night are new beginnings, and each day and night are several more chances to bless, inspire, and encourage others. Have I done that today? THATS how I measure it. 🙂 YOU are a blessing to me!

  6. I love YOU for your humanity, my friend. You have a good and caring heart, but you are always so willing to face the things that you struggle with. And to me that is just as admirable as any good deed. I’m about to enter into my 40s here – and reading your blog gives me a lot to be excited about and to look forward to. It’s been a wild decade. I can only hope that things are just getting started.

    … And I love that you mentioned Costco. I just finished writing my next blog – and lo and behold, it also discuses Costco 😂

    Kindred spirit!

    Beautifully written blog good sir. Thank you for brightening my day!

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