...so I'm doing something about it.
Well, "Hate" doesn’t quite sum it up
I hate Comcast. As in want-to-do-things-to-them hatred. As in I-don’t-care-if-you-changed-your-name-you’re-still-lousy-Comcast-in-disguise-and-no-rebranding-can-ever-save-you-as-I-press-this-scalding-firebrand-into-your-skin-hold-still-darn-you hate them.
“But wait!” you say. Aren’t they Xfinity now? No. They just rebranded, which doesn’t really mean anything. They’re still the same old Comcast, marinated in cruelty, basted in barbarism, and soaked in pure Internety evil.
I don't hate Comcast a little bit. I hate them with every fiber of my being and the fire of a thousand suns. Outages, overbilling and substandard service galore. And they don’t ever let you leave, like this guy who tried desperately to do so. So, when I found out that they were pretty much the only Internet service provider in our new neighborhood, I leapt with unrestrained joy, squealed like an 8-year-old girl, jumped like a calf leaping forth from the stall, and am pretty sure I experienced an ISP-gasm. Ha! I kid you, for today is Opposite Day.
The truth is that I do remember a distinct crawling of my skin, and my blood reaching close to that white-hot temperature where steel melts and even nuns lose it.. No, they weren’t the only choice in our new rural neighborhood…but yes, they were the only choice if we actually wanted to:
- Download a 12Kb picture and not have it take three days, accompanied by that delightfully rhythmic dit-d-d-dit-d-d-dit-d-dit sound
- Stream my son’s Pixar movies until he falls into that coma that my wife and I love so much because it allows us to finally watch our Snapped marathon (she takes notes, which concerns me)
- Have Internet that doesn’t feel like there’s a hamster on a Ferris wheel somewhere desperately trying to generate power
- Pay exorbitant amounts of money for ridiculously inconsistent service while the Comcast Godfather rolls around laughing hysterically in a velvet bathrobe amidst large bills of money from my cashed checks
So, with my hands bound by chains, and my mouth duct-taped, I was led down the dark, dank corridor of all the souls that had gone before, renouncing their strength and going the way of the dog.
The Comcast Dog. I mean the Xfinity Dog. I mean the Comcast Dog.
Today marks Outage #10
I miss Frontier. I mean Ziply. I mean Frontier. I had 500 download and 500 upload speeds with them. With Comcast, I have 1000 down (which means 12 down), and 30 up (which means .232485741 up). Not that I need to upload audio files or anything, Mr. Comcast-er-Xfinity-er-Comcast, I mean *laughing nervously* why would I greedily need anything such as that which you have promised me?
But then there are The Outages. You know what I mean. There are only two experiences in life that leave you frightened out of your freaking mind. One is when you pull a Toonces-The-Driving-Cat and you’re careening off of a cliff in your car, facing jagged rocks and certain death below. Well:
- I already took care of that (I had the brake lines cut that belong to Bob, the guy who owed me money)
- He is recovering nicely in the hospital (he bounced; I apologized)
- There was really only one thing left to do (besides do it again): be without Internet.
Our. Internet. Is. Down. Again.
Aside from plummeting to certain death, there is nothing quite unnerving like being without Internet service. I would in truth prefer jagged rocks, because Internet outages last much longer…and I’m actually paying for them to last much longer. *cue sound of Comcast Godfather laughing and rolling around in my money again*
But really! There shouldn’t be Internet Outages. “NMIO!”: that’s the wristband I’d develop, and they’d sell like hotcakes. No More Internet Outages!!!! There would be a revolution. After all, the year is 2020, and the only place I should truthfully have ever been without Internet service is when I was inside my dishwasher in the middle of that tornado under a tunnel on Pluto during that solar flare while wearing my new magnetic aluminum parka and drinking 100-proof mercury. Other than that, shouldn’t the Internet be everywhere now?!?! I’m telling you: my NMIO wristbands will sell out! Once I’m finally able to connect to Amazon again, that is. Dit-d-d-dit.
As a voiceover artist, excuse me Mr. Comcast-er-Xfinity-er-Comcast, but I have auditions to send! I have people to market to! I have a Cobra Kai episode to stream! I have other people to market to! I have other auditions to send! I have another Cobra Kai episode to stream! Mr. Comcast-er-Xfinity-er-Comcast, why? Why?!? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!? (trailing off into an unguessable distance…)
So, as I sit here in Outage Number Ten in the just over two short months that we’ve had service with these nincompoops, I have decided to take matters, once again, into my own hands. To restore my service, I humbly dialed them and suggested that they simply flip that big “Internet Off” switch to “Internet On” on their end, but apparently, as the nice man named “Jake” with the strong Indian accent just confirmed to me, it takes five strong people to flip that big heavy switch, and everyone strong is out on lunch break until February.
Until then I’ve got these trusty stone tablets and my copy of Hieroglyphics for Dummies. Dit-d-d-dit.
So that does it. Voiceover Artists, stand by. It’s time to take back the Internet.
The Revolution will be (sort of) televised
Oh….wait – did you think I was suggesting that we storm the headquarters of Comcast and flip the switch together? Alas, no. I’ve heard their security personnel have stopped using rubber bullets and are now actually hurling heavy modems at all invaders below. And boy do those smart. Also: no - I was not in fact suggesting that we all collectively stop paying our Internet bill to show them who’s boss. Because that would have the opposite effect of having Internet, and instead make us more or less not have Internet, because I am told when you do not pay for Internet, then you do not have Internet.
What I am proposing, is that since we’re all rolling in the dough here, that you simply forward all your Internet payments to me. Now, now, let me explain before you start whipping XLR cables at my sensitive areas. I have the know-how. I have the brawn and the gumption. I have the Spirit of Revenge. I have the prowess to take on the world’s biggest Internet Provider in direct competition. I’ve even come up with a name! I wanted to come up with something com-PLETE-ly original, so that there would be no copyright lawsuits against us. What’s it called?
Vfinity. No, not this Vfinity. My own Vfinity.
See what I did there? It’s like Xfinity, but it’s V-finity, see? V for Voiceovers! Aaaaaand…because of the fact that V comes alphabetically before X, we’ll get all the good Internet signal and use it all up for ourselves, leaving behind only the turtle-speed scraps and leftovers. You follow me now? We can’t lose!
I need my Internet. You need your Internet. Without Internet, we’re just sitting in a dark room and talking to ourselves, and we’re not even getting paid for it. I refuse such a life. I am destined to get paid to sit in a dark room and talk to myself. Straight-jacket optional.
Line up, fellow Voice Talent. This is going to be epic. I’m preparing a mass email that I’m going to send to all of you over the Internet, whenever it’s up and running again. It’s in my outbox ready to go. Dit-d-d-dit.
We’ll be able to send our auditions unimpeded! We’ll have the power to market to an infinite number of prospects uninterrupted! We’ll commence on a course of artistic domination of the airwaves in complete voiceover solidarity as we fill our coffers with jobs that pay real money! There’ll be nothing to stop us now!
Just goes to show you how important branding is. If your brand sucks, you suck. If you try to rebrand, but still suck, then people will know that you're that old sucky suckfest, and no amount of rebranding will ever reshape what people think of you.
So c’monnnnnnnnnnn February!!! Flip that big “Internet On” switch, you stalwart Comcast burly-men! I've got auditions to send and jobs to record!
Oh well. At least we still have cable so we don't miss Snapped.
Disgruntled Comcast Customer
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