Close Encounters of the Word Kind
They’re watching and listening!
It’s 2020! And with it comes lots of goals and resolutions and plans. We form strategems and plot our resolutions and victories. We mastermind our own success and look forward to a brighter future. And this time, we’ll keep it off! Yes, we’ll keep it off, just as soon as we’re done figuring out how to incorporate our leftover cream-filled Christmas chocolates into our new Keto diet.
But I have a theory. It’s 2020, and all of us voiceover artists have been reading so many scripts and projecting them out into cyberspace for decades now. But -shudder- what if all of those cumulative messages are being intercepted by an Intelligence-With-A-Capital-I? What if someone – or some thing – is out there listening to us, watching our every move? I think Rockwell had it right all along: I always feel like...somebody's watchin' me...and it ain't no fantasy...whoa...
What if they are preparing to invade…at this very moment? Far-fetched? Maybe? Unthinkable? Perhaps? A delusion? YOU’RE a delusion. Fight me.
I’m trembling at the thought of an imminent alien invasion brought on by careless voiceover transmissions, and you should be too. They’re on their way, and it’s only a matter of time before the earth is laid waste to, all because of voice talent. It’s up to us to prevent the destruction of our beloved planet, before the beloved Will Smith and even more beloved uh, uh, Jeff Goldblum have to uh, uh, save us yet, uh, again…because life…uh…finds a way.
It would be foolish for us to assume that we’re not being monitored by some sinister species out there in space. All of the Earth’s communications are sent around the world via satellites and wireless transmission, easily intercepted by anyone with a little bit of tinfoil and some wishful thinking. I suspect Elon Musk is behind all of it, but that’s another story. Let’s zoom out a bit on this one.
As voiceover artists we read about 9000 words an hour:
- 9000 words an hour multiplied by just two hours a day is 18000 words.
- 18000 words multiplied by, for simplicity’s sake, 500 voice talent, is 9,000,000 words per day.
- That’s 3,285,000,000 words per year.
- And that’s with only 500 voice talent.
- But we know the number of voice talent today far exceed that number.
- It’s more like 501, because we’re talking about talented voice talent, not every voice talent.
- This is the final bullet point in this list.
All of those Explainer Videos we’re haphazardly shooting into the stratosphere! All that E-Learning! All of those Promos and Imaging! How cavalier of us!
With Explainer Videos, if our transmissions are being intercepted, we’re basically explaining to an alien intelligence to meet Joe, that Joe is inept and has problems, and that all Joe needs is to sign up at Coastal Bank and all of his worries will be over. Any supreme intelligence out there would then know to preemptively destroy all Coastal Banks with their Giant Death Ray, and then feeble animated Joe is left flailing in the dust, wallowing in his animated problems: easy pickings for the savage Galaxial Wobble-Weezils, who we know from history just love to stretch us until we snap and then suck out our brains. That’s how I lost my Uncle Bob. *moment of silence*
And what if they’re listening to our E-Learning? We’re describing how to assemble a vacuum cleaner. If an alien species sees a picture of a vacuum and determines that it’s a threat (why wouldn’t they?) then they would just send the dreaded Oooga-Booga WrathSquatch fleet to spell ruin for our vacuum cleaner force in mere seconds, which would most certainly suck for all vacuums. (See what I did there?) I’m quite serious. They don’t like it when we clean.
And Promos and Imaging? Those are just dinner bells to an extraterrestrial performing close surveillance. In the coolest voices we can muster, we drive traffic to events, to viewings, to whatever we’re driving them to, and then the aliens know precisely where we’ll be and can simply teleport their Xenomorph Death Squadron directly down upon us with the full force of Betelgeuse. Remember all those concerts where everyone disappeared into the floor? It was reported that the stadium stands collapsed, which just reeks of a cover-up. I call bologna. This has all the hallmarks of the XDS. I suspect they took Jimmy Hoffa, Flight 370 and Donald Trump’s real hair too, and they’re all being probed somewhere. Good luck with the orange straw, fellas. Please send back Jimmy because we really like the name Jimmy. And please return all those concertgoers and Malaysians, but you can keep the hair trophy.
The only way we can seem to stave off an attack is pointing all of our radar dishes towards space and blasting Baby Shark on a punishing loop. That should keep them far away and also keep them glued to YouTube while our civilization cements plans to make our escape.
Fear! Panic! Fire and brimstone! I suspect that walking among us, even today, are aliens that are monitoring our voiceovers, stealing our secrets, and plotting our demise.
But all is not lost. Long ago I anticipated this threat to our way of life, and I have The Solution.
Act now, and buy the new and improved Joshua Alexander-approved Mega Ultra Hydra Gamma Supra Voiceover Scrambler XT-1000 today for just nine easy payments of $999.99! Thousands of voice talent the world over have been using my new and improved device for decades. Easily secure your recordings! Encrypt them with my binary encoding and secure protocols that restrict access from the aliens! Before you’ve even made your second payment, you’ll rest at ease knowing that all of your transmissions are secured against the threat of those nasty interstellar peeping Tom’s due to my secure transmission algorithms.
I should note at this time that I’m the alien plotting your collective demise. I’ve been using this device for years on all of your auditions and stealing all your jobs since I’m the only one with the master cypher key that can decrypt all of your files for your intended recipients. Thanks for all the work that has come my way because your audition files don’t work! Moo-oo-ah-ah-ah (maniacal laugh). The universe shall be mine! Mine I say!! Moo-oo-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhh!!!!
My Wobble-Weezils will be by later to stretch you and collect your brains.
Happy 2020 (at least for a while),
HEY! WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!!!
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